Lunacies
by JaimynsFire
Summary: Remus looks back at his life up until this point. Pre-GOF And this werewolf isn't so happy go lucky. PLEASE R/R!!!!! :) This is just chapter 1, I might write more Remus if someone so wished it.


Disclaimer: I don't own Remus Lupin, but god knows I want to along with many others. JK Rowling owns him. Sniffles Since Tantz is so adamantly in LOVE with Snape, I decided to do a first person narrative of Remus'  
  
A/N: Here's how Remus feels about life in general. Mostly pre-Goblet of Fire.  
  
  
  
Another full moon. It's almost like I wish I could just forget about them. It's not like I don't have other things to worry about. Sirius is free and running about like a lunatic. Funny I should use the word "lunatic" when the root of the word is Luna. Perhaps I'm a lunatic? No, I'm just a very frail and frustrated werewolf. That's all I am really, right? Why my parents even gave me the privilege of living after I was bitten is beyond me.  
  
Didn't they realize that just because I'm a fully-fledged wizard it makes NO difference at all? That I couldn't save James and Lily. Oh Lily. The object of many a boys desire at Hogwarts. I know that Severus loved her. Everyone does. That brings a subtle smile to this worn face. To think that Snape thought that was his closely kept secret. Just like him turning to the light again. Everyone knows that deep down there's a human in there. Not a monster like me. I'm much more adept at hiding secrets than Snape.  
  
It's not like I enjoy having secrets. Not since my Marauder days, and even then I wanted to tell Sirius and James what I truly was. I don't think I ever trusted Peter. More like pitied him. I knew there was something fishy about him as well. Not in the slightest amazed that he was the weasel that framed Sirius. And again I pity him. I know that because of my idiocy that he got away. It's my entire fault he'd made it to his Master.  
  
I could have just not looked up. I could have just drunk that god-awful Wolfsbane potion. If I would just THINK about things more often instead of brooding over them like this. Perhaps if I was a different person I could be a better role model for the kids. It was probably best that I left Hogwarts. Yeah. Harry writes sporadically, I'm glad of that. It means he'll forget me soon. After all this is done I might just go eat some silver dog chow or something. Get rid of all this torment and guilt.  
  
Why did it all come to this? How did I become so irrational to think that Sirius, that great big oaf, would ever harm a soul!? For all he did for me when I was younger; for befriending me. That was his greatest mistake. Perhaps even his downfall, for I agreed with Snape at times, that Sirius should have been sent back to Azkaban. I never agree to let him have the Kiss. If anyone deserved that kiss it would be me.  
  
Could I have saved Lily? Harry? James? Strange thoughts enter my mind, that maybe if I was too late for James, that I could have consoled her in her time of woe. Maybe she would have fallen in love with me. She'd never really noticed me. The quiet one. The one she thought of as a brother. "Oh that's just Remus" I heard way too often in my years at school. Just Remus. I see that same attitude in Harry. I know he's reluctant to be what he's meant to be. I wish I could take it all away for him. He'll see many forms of the Dementors. I won't be there to help him shield himself from it. I want to be his close personal Patronus spell. I can't replace the hole that he has because James isn't there.  
  
If only he had known his father. If only there was some way I could implant the memories I have of his parents into his head. I know that it's not the way to teach him though. To give him the hurt and depression I live with day to day. For him to know that his favorite Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher lives in poverty. I'm sure he's already pretty sure of it. He just doesn't know the prejudice I live in. I hope that when he saves the world the second time, that he'll still remember me, even just a fragment of a memory. I know my thoughts are sporadic lately. I want him to remember me because that would my way of having Lily remember me. That would be my debt to her, to make sure her boy is safe and sound. But I'm just so feeble. I couldn't stop what's happening to him from happening.  
  
It's not that I hated James either. I envied him. Envied him for getting the girl, for having Sirius as his closest friend, his Secret Keeper even, for being great at Quidditch, for charming all the teachers, for his pranks he played on the unwitting Severus, and for being a normal boy. I could never dream of being that. And now I can't dream of being a normal man. Everyone knows what you are in this world. I even forced myself to be a muggle teacher for a while. Of course they weren't so understanding with my monthly absences, so I sent them a letter from a local hospital saying that Professor R. Lupin had passed away from Leukemia. It seemed an easy way out. No one got hurt. It was always like that.  
  
"No one will get hurt. Just scare him a little." That was what Sirius said about his plan to scare Snape. I didn't know that his plan involved me, and me nearly killing him. I was so pale when I finally heard what happened from Lily. It was Sirius' and James' little secret. They always had little secrets. So even though they became those Animagus that I so desperately needed my last years at Hogwarts, I still felt so alone. There was NO WAY; Pettigrew would ever understand a damn thing I was going through. Funny he transfigured into a rat. That's almost as funny as thinking of Snape and his inability to keep a secret.  
  
If it weren't for him and his childish grudges, I'd still be at Hogwarts, keeping a better eye on Harry than he ever could. Because, like me, Snape has the same goal. To keep his promise to James and Lily. He'd made amends with the fact that Lily didn't like the greasy type, and wanted a jockish sensitive type. He hadn't made amends with the fact that James saved his life. I knew it would take him a long time to get over it, I STILL feel guilty about it. God, if I wasn't what I am! It would save people from such torment. Maybe if I weren't what I am, Snape would be the Divination teacher. What an over active imagination.  
  
I'm a product of my environment, is what Sirius would say to that. Even still, I'll probably just sit here. In an open French window in this abandoned muggle factory. Stare at the moon until she overtakes me. Become what I am, and live my life, accepting what I have been given in my life. For adversary is a blessing, and your gift in return is the way you handle it. 


End file.
